I have been thinking a lot recently about just how much melanoma messes with your mind. This can manifest itself in different ways and set me off on a whole spiral of worry in the last month. The feel good factor I had after the Peruvian holiday quickly disappeared. It had started off in Peru when I woke up one morning after having a very vivid dream (or nightmare) that my fingers needed to be amputated due to the fact my melanoma had returned (all in my dream). In reality, just before Christmas I started to feel a strange pain in my fingers and it was worse when I woke up in the morning. During the day the pain lessened. I checked the side effects of my drugs and joint pains are on the list and I also know from the melanoma support group that some other patients on the same drugs had experienced this too. However the thought that this may be something more sinister was at the back of my mind.
After Xmas the pain was still there in my hand and I also felt that my fingertip was feeling numb. It was two years ago when my gums became numb that led to the early discovery of a small tumour in my brain which was affecting the nerves, therefore my mind was running into overdrive that the fingertip could be related to further nerve damage. I had scans coming up at Marsden HQ so I knew that if there was an issue all would soon be revealed. Last Friday afternoon I was back in Chelsea for my scans. This was not without drama. Every time I go for scans I have a cannula put in my arm so that they can inject the radioactive dye to show up any cancer cells on the scans. As I have no lymph nodes in my left arm this is always done using my right arm. After 3 years of treatment, monthly blood tests and scans every 2 – 3 months the veins in my right arm are not in the best condition and last Friday it took six attempts to find a vein for the cannula to go into my arm. Normally I don’t find this process stressful but on the last two visits it has taken several attempts, making it much more stressful. I think the fact I was already feeling worried made me even more anxious. The radiology team at the Marsden are fantastic, these situations aren’t easy for them either and they do their absolute best to calm you down. I left the hospital with an arm that looked like I had been through a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson.
By Monday morning I was in nervous wreck mode. I actually started to wonder if my dream back in November about the finger needing to be amputated was a premonition (the mind was playing games) of what was to come. David was amazing as ever keeping me occupied and was his usual calm self even as I had convinced myself the melanoma had progressed and the rollercoaster was about to go back up a gear. My scans had been very late on Friday afternoon and my nurse advised that that they were awaiting the radiologist to sign off the CT scan before we could have the appointment. Immediately sensing my rising anxiety levels, my nurse tried to reassure me by saying, “It doesn’t mean anything to worry about” however, it all added to my overall anxiety so the wait felt even longer. By the time I was in the door and sat down being told that my scans were good, I felt like I was about to burst (I probably looked that way too) and it was such an overwhelming sense of relief. I hadn’t felt as bad going into a scan results appointment for a long time and was also exhausted. The pains I was experiencing in my hands were put down to side effects of the drugs or nerve pain and as the week has gone on my fingers have been feeling better. So the mind games did play a big role in how I was feeling in the run up to the latest scans and as other cancer patients will know its hard not to assume that every pain you have is cancer related. I think I am quite in tune with my body and how it is feeling but I was pleased to be proved wrong on this occasion and massively grateful that the targeted drugs I am taking are still keeping my melanoma under control. Of course the happiness that the drugs are still working for me is tempered by the fact that for many patients the targeted drugs that I am on develop resistance and/or immunotherapy doesn’t work for them so they are currently struggling trying to get on drug trials or running out of options. This is why its so important to continue supporting pioneering melanoma research and raising awareness to help prevent melanoma by protecting our skin, doing regular skin checks and getting anything suspicious checked by your GP.
Exercise has helped me with my mental health over the last 3 years and I am now ready to turn my focus to the 2020 challenge and get training for a triathlon. I have signed up for the Blenheim sprint triathlon on May 31 with some friends, which involves swimming 750m, cycling 20km and running 5km. Who knows if I am taking on more than I bargained for, I am not a great swimmer BUT am planning to have a couple of swimming lessons and then practice, practice practice. If you would like to join the Shomelanoma team and join me in the triathlon challenge it’s not too late and I’d love to have you. Full details are here.
Just let me know if you’d like to sign up and I can ensure you are added to the team. My nurse at the Marsden asked David if he would be joining me for this challenge to which he responded absolutely NOT. I’ll keep you posted and entertained with the swimming attempts over the next few months.
There is more to come on this year’s Shomelanoma fundraising challenges and adventures. If you would like to take on your own challenge please get in touch. Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2020 and thanks as ever for all of your support it means the world. As David said on New Years Day Keep searching for your window on the world, above all enjoy yourselves and have fun. Here’s the lovely card my good friend Jen sent me this week, Thanks for listening.